When a parent is unintentionally harmful to a child's emotional development.

Before i begin getting stuck into this blog, it's very important i clarify what i think makes a good parent. I believe a good parent is One who is flawed. Yes you read that correctly! There is a huge caveat to this however. A parent who is flawed AND willing to admit the part they play in their child's difficulties. You see, as a human being, we are all flawed. That is part and parcel of the negotiations that took place when man was created. Our creator (whoever that is) said, "I will create humankind but they will be batshit crazy, and make mistakes. They will not by any means, be perfect. Oh, and lets through in emotions on a wide varying scale just for good measure, and a laugh to really f*ck them up".

We have to be willing to see the part we will inevitably play. We cannot think our children's struggles have nothing to do with us. That, my friends is a huge red flag!!

I was harmful for my children's emotional and social development. There, i said it! And that is what will make me a good parent. The willingness to admit what i did and what i couldn't do for them. The unintentional act of hurting them through being so blind. Not my husbands fault, not the schools fault, not jim down the roads fault, not the neighbours fault, but mine. MY WOUNDS! Then after identifying this, comes the willingness to make amends. I had to grow, to better myself, and to educate myself. So I could be the parent my children deserved.

So what happens when our partner is unintentionally harming out child's development.

There is a version of harm that we don't speak about. Why? because we don't know about it! It doesn't really look like abuse. But rather It looks more like impatience, Withdrawal, Tension, Overreaction, Emotional absence, contempt, and shaming. It looks like a parent who loves their child deeply, but cannot always regulate themselves in the moments their child needs them most.

I believe This to be one of the most uncomfortable truths of parenting.

Love, on its own, is not enough to protect a child’s nervous system. Regulation is.

Most parents do not set out to harm their children. In fact, most are trying to do the exact

opposite. (well i hope so, anyway) They are providing, Showing up, and Doing their absolute bloody best. But parenting takes more than good intention. It comes from co regulation. This my friends, shapes the brain. The emotional blueprint a person received long before they ever had children of their own is what is governing a parents actions according to psychanalysis.

A parent can only meet a child at the level of emotional safety they have within themselves.

Trust me, This is not criticism. Nor is it blame. It's actual fact. It is neuroscience.

The nervous system does not learn regulation through a parents instruction or needs. It learns through co regulation. This means a child’s brain and body learn how to feel safe by being in the presence of a regulated adult. When an adult can stay calm in the face of a child’s upset, the child’s nervous system slowly learns that distress isn't a need to be frightened of. Emotions are not dangerous, And That they themselves, are safe.

But when a parent becomes overwhelmed, shuts down, lashes out, withdraws, or becomes emotionally unpredictable, the child’s nervous system adapts instead.

Children are adaptive. Great! But not always.

Children are biologically wired to preserve attachment at all costs. Their survival depends on it. This means they will adjust themselves to maintain closeness with the parent, even if it requires abandoning parts of themselves in the process. Brutal.

Some children become hyper aware of the parent’s moods. They learn to monitor tone, facial expressions, and emotional shifts. They can become easy, Quiet, Good, and mature. Some even become invisible. No needs, wants, or desires.

Other children can become loud, reactive, and dysregulated.

Both responses are intelligent adaptations to an environment where emotional safety feels inconsistent.

What is so important to clarify is....... nearly always, the parent themselves is not choosing these responses consciously.

Their nervous system is responding from its own history. the environment that shaped it.

A child’s distress can unconsciously trigger the parent’s unresolved distress. A child’s emotional needs can activate feelings of overwhelm, inadequacy, or even threat that the parent themselves experienced as a child. Some can be triggered into reactions.

The parent may react disproportionately. They may shut down. They may become controlling. They may minimise the child’s emotions by mocking them or making them feel like their needs are a huge inconvenience.

This is why a parent who tells a child to calm down while they themselves are visibly dysregulated does not create a calm soothed child. I wish it was that bloody easy. The child’s nervous system responds to the parent’s state, not their instruction unfortunately!

They soon learn That they must suppress themselves, or be consumed by what the parent is feeling.

When you see this in your partner!

You may see how easily they become overwhelmed. How quickly they take things personally. You may see how a small act of defiance, or even just a child behaving like a child, seems to activate something much bigger inside them. You know it isn't right!

You might notice how your child becomes different around them.

Quieter.

More careful.

More aware.

Aloof.

pleasing.

helpful.

unresponsive.

Or when the child begins to be emotionally supportive to a parent.

Most people who struggle to regulate themselves were never taught how. They were never given the experience of being soothed consistently. They were never shown that emotions could exist without them somehow displeasing the parent.

Some learned to shut down. others learned to control. Some learned to demand. Some learned that love was something you earned by being impressive, obedient, or useful.

And when someone grows up in an environment where love was conditional, they often carry that condition into adulthood without realising it.

Yep, that was me!

No one, and i mean no one, can change without the willingness to be self reflective.

It's not intentional damage, we get that, they simply do not realise they are carrying pain. But there comes a point where a parent MUST reflect. And at what point does the observing parent become the enabler??

If you are reading this as the partner standing beside someone who struggles in this way, your role is not to fix them. Your job is to continue offering your child emotional safety. To model regulation. To ensure your child experiences at least one nervous system that feels predictable, calm, and safe.

They need enough safety to grow into themselves without feeling responsible for anyone else’s emotional survival.

My online coaching course will be available soon!