I grew up in dysfunction but I never knew it was abuse!!

True story!

At the age of 36 I finally began to see that what I had experienced in my childhood was in fact, abuse! Don't get me wrong, i knew it wasn't Disneyland and i knew it was wrong, but something inside of me protected me from admitting the truth.

Since beginning my healing journey, I've always been fascinated with the defence mechanism that is, denial. I did a fu*king amazing job of it. I was the master of it, and yet, i never knew i was doing it. How the hell could i be so good at something i never knew i was doing?? Furthermore, if i could deny my reality, one that was as obvious as a a big fat elephant in a pink bikini on crack, what does that mean for people who experience shit behaviour from parents that isn't necessarily abusive but causes a shit load of harm?

There is a particular kind of pain that does not come from obvious cruelty or outright abuse. It can come from the quiet moments where something essential was missing. Like many growing up in the 80's or 90's, comfort was often the thing that was missing. No attunement and No emotional safety. If we are being honest, and i am on a roll here, latch kid kids under the age of 12 were neglected ones! Many people who experienced all of the above with emotionally immature or stunted parents still grow up believing nothing really bad happened to them. They tell themselves their parents tried their best. That it was not that bad and other people had it worse. Yes, they may have, but why minimise so much??? That in itself is a huge tale tell sign of trauma.

This is where the theory of Betrayal Blindness comes in.

Psychologist Jennifer Freyd developed the concept of Betrayal Blindness to explain why human beings often do not see, remember, or fully register mistreatment by the very people they depend on most. Especially parents and caregivers.

As children, our nervous systems prioritise attachment over truth. Connection over accuracy. Survival over emotional clarity. When the people we rely on for safety are also the ones who emotionally neglect us, dismiss us, or fail to see us, the brain is faced with an impossible dilemma. If I see this clearly, I risk losing the relationship I need to survive.

So the brain adapts.

It minimises what hurts. It rationalises what feels wrong. It turns down awareness in very specific ways.

This is Betrayal Blindness. Not avoidance because you are naive. It is a survival response. One that protects attachment at the cost of self trust.

This is why emotional neglect can be so difficult to name. There may have been food on the table and clothes on your back. No shouting. No violence. But there was a lack of emotional presence. No one helped you regulate big feelings. No one noticed when you were overwhelmed. No one mirrored your inner world back to you. To a child’s nervous system, those absences feel like betrayal. Quiet betrayals. But betrayals nevertheless.

Children often resolve this by turning the blame inward. If my parents cannot meet me emotionally, it must be because I am too much, too sensitive, too needy. These conclusions then become beliefs that quietly shape adult relationships.

Dr Freyd also goes on to describes a pattern that often appears when harm is confronted towards the parents later in life. This is known as DARVO.

It's important to say this first. All parents create wounds, even the best patents in the world will. What makes great parent, is one who is willing to accept they created a wound and help remedy it. Some parents (emotionally immature or narcissistic) will be defensive. This is where we see Darvo.

DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.

First, the person denies the behaviour or minimises it. Then they attack the person who raised the concern, often calling them dramatic, cruel, ungrateful, or unstable. Finally, they reverse the roles so they are positioned as the victim and you become the offender.

If you grew up with emotional neglect, DARVO may feel painfully familiar. You might remember trying to express hurt and being shut down, dismissed, or made to feel guilty for even bringing it up. Over time, this teaches a child that speaking up is dangerous. That their feelings cause harm. That silence is safer.

And so the blindness deepens.

In adulthood, Betrayal Blindness can look like chronic self doubt, difficulty recognising red flags, intense loyalty to people who repeatedly hurt you, or overwhelming guilt at the idea that your parents may have failed you emotionally. You may intellectually know something was off, but emotionally defend them automatically.

Healing begins when you gently allow yourself to see. Not with blame. Not with hatred, But with honesty and compassion for the child who had no choice but to adapt.

You are allowed to name emotional neglect as real. You are allowed to recognise betrayal without painting your parents as villains. Two things can be true at once. Love can exist alongside harm.

Betrayal Blindness is not something to be ashamed of. It is evidence of how deeply you needed connection. And when you begin to see clearly, with safety and support, that blindness no longer needs to protect you.

You are not betraying your parents by naming the truth.

You are finally choosing not to betray yourself.

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