The mother wound......Ahhh my speciality!

The Mother Wound:

The mother wound is something many of us carry quietly, often without even realising that we do. Considering the childhood i had, you would expect me to know that i indeed had a great big f*ckoff mother wound. NOPE!!!!! Denial is a protector and it made me delusional. Every choice i made, how i felt, thought, behaved and even how i parented was governed by a wound i never knew i had!

Lets be frank, this isn't about hating our mothers or painting her as a villain. Although, mine would be up there! It's about recognising the absence of what every child deserves. Phycological Safety. Love. Attunement. Unconditional acceptance, and When those are missing, even in the slightest or they are not received consistently, the wound is unfortunately formed.

Ill never forgot the book by Karyl McBride, Will I Ever Be Good Enough, where she wrote, "A mother strives to meet her child's needs, physically, emotionally, intellectually, all without ever needing the child to meet hers....WELL...........I'll be dammed. My mothers needs always came first, and when they didn't get met, i was to know about it. Temper tantrums, silent treatment, punish me by making me clean (that's another story) the list goes on. She made it by problem and from an early age i knew mother came first.

In the book Keryl speaks to the deep ache that comes when a mother cannot meet her child emotionally. What is not normal for a child slowly becomes their normal normal. It HAS TO!!! The child begins to take on roles that were never meant to belong to them. Managing a mother’s moods. Accommodating her needs. Becoming the one who soothes, comforts, or rescues. These are adult jobs, yet for so many of us they became the shape of our childhood. Without realising, we stepped into the role of carer for our mother’s internal world.

Dr Bruce Perry’s work shows how these early environments sculpt a child’s nervous system. A child who grows up constantly monitoring whether their mother is happy with them will adapt their stress response to survive. That heightened vigilance becomes part of the wiring of the brain. Survival then becomes personality. Some grow into perfectionists. Others into fixers. Some into the ones who appear endlessly capable, even when they are exhausted inside. These adaptations look like traits, but they are actually responses to stress carved into the body and mind during childhood. One where a child had to work psychologically rather than pay freely.

This is the essence of the mother wound. It is the invisible inheritance passed down without words. It is the weight of carrying responsibilities that never should have been yours. It is the slow, almost imperceptible erosion of childhood, replaced with duty. When you learn to manage your mother, you do not learn how to fully be yourself.

The wound is not always loud or obvious. It shows up quietly, in the way you move through the world. In the way you feel responsible for the emotions of others. In the way you hide parts of yourself for fear of being too much or not enough. In the way you ask silently, over and over, if you are good enough.

I recently shared a post on instagram about Davina Mccall discussing her mother wound. She went on to say it is a mother's job to accommodate her children and Their individual needs. Not the other way around. God, that sums it up doesn't it?

You were never meant to be your mother’s caretaker. You were meant to be her child. A child who's brain didn't stop developing until 25 for god's sake!!!

Realising and telling the truth is where the grief lies. HOWEVER...... it is also where the healing begins.

As always

love and light

Chanel Duffy