Are you defensive?

ABSOLUTELY YES!!!!!!!

Well, i was defensive. Thank god i can honestly say i no longer am. Or if i am (maybe i'm in denial) it doesn't have such a profound impact on my life or the people i love anymore! That's what matters really, don't you think? How do our thoughts and behaviours affect the people we love. And if we aren't asking ourselves that....well....you might want to have a little look at narcissism!!!!

For most of my life, I walked around thinking I was just a bit fiery. It was my personality. That was me. Except it wasn’t really my personality. It was anger and It was pain. Deep, old, and so well hidden, even I couldn’t identify it.

Looking back, and knowing what i know now, my defensiveness wasn’t a personality trait. It was a survival strategy. It was my subconscious doing what all good subconscious minds do. It protected me from reality when reality was too bloody painful to face. And if you grew up holding a lot inside, you’ll know how quickly those strategies become your normal .Your whole personality that you call, you!

Anna Freud, the psychoanalyst who first mapped out defence mechanisms, basically said our mind is constantly trying to protect us from threats in our reality. Not just physical ones, but emotional ones too. Especially the emotional ones. She identified patterns humans fall into when something feels too much. And honestly, when I learnt them, it explained my entire childhood, adolescence, and half of my adult life.

i HAVE LISTED THEM BELOW. MAKE SURE TO READ THEM. ( or at least read up on narcissism if not)

Being defensive Protected me from feeling. But it also Prevented me from connecting. Preventing me from healing. Because you cannot ever fully feel joy, love, relief, softness, connection while you’re using every ounce of energy to keep your pain away so not to feel it.

The moment things started to shift for me was the moment I stopped trying to outsmart my own emotional life. I got tired. Properly tired. Tired of being the strong one. Tired of pretending everything bounced off me. Tired of managing my image so nobody could see that i wasn't strong. And that terrified me. But looking back, that was what saved me.

The first time I allowed myself to feel something real without shutting it down, I genuinely thought I was going to fall apart. Turns out, I didn’t. I softened. Vulnerability isn’t the enemy. It’s absolutely f*cking crucial if you want to feel happy and actually FEEL real connection and love.

When I stopped defending and started feeling, the pain I’d spent years avoiding finally had somewhere to go. And once pain can move, it can heal. That’s the part that changed everything for me. I realised my defensiveness wasn’t who I was. It was who I had to be.

But i don't have to defend because i am not a child anymore. And neither are you. Have a look below and see if you see yourself in any of them. Be honest with yourself!

Repression

This is the classic push it down and pretend it never happened . My speciality. Repression is your mind burying painful thoughts, emotions, or memories so deeply that you genuinely forget they exist. You might say my childhood was fine with a smile, but your nervous system is quietly screaming.

How it shows up. You feel big emotions but can’t trace them. You cry out of nowhere. You avoid places, people, or topics without knowing why. You get overwhelmed easily because you’re already carrying a hidden emotional backlog.If you’ve ever wondered why am I like this, repression is often the culprit.

Denial

You see the truth, but you can't and wont believe it. Don't even know i'm lying to myself.

How it shows up. You convince yourself the relationship isn’t toxic. You say I’m fine, while your whole life is on fire. You ignore red flags because acknowledging them means acknowledging pain.Denial is the mind’s way of whispering not today love, we’ll deal with this another time.

Projection

This is when your brain takes something you don’t want to feel and sticks it onto someone else.

How it shows up. You accuse people of not liking you, when actually you’re struggling to like yourself or others in that fact. You call someone distant because you’re scared of intimacy. You get angry at someone for being controlling while you’re the one trying to assert control. Projection protects you from seeing uncomfortable truths about yourself.

Displacement

Displacement is redirected emotion. You’re upset with one person, but your emotional load gets dumped somewhere else entirely.

How it shows up. Your boss humiliates you and you go home and snap at your children. Your partner hurts your feelings so you rage-clean the house. Someone touches a childhood wound and suddenly you’re furious because the WiFi isn’t working.It’s not that you’re overreacting. The reaction simply isn’t going to the correct address.

Regression

Regression is when you go backwards emotionally during stress. The adult you goes offline and a much younger part steps forward. You show up the age you were when your wound was created.

How it shows up. You shut down. You storm off. You need reassurance like a child. You become clingy or avoidant. You feel smaller, younger, more helpless.It’s not immaturity. It’s unhealed parts of you asking for comfort the only way they know how.

Rationalisation

This is the mind’s favourite bullshit artist. You create logical explanations that make painful feelings easier to swallow.

How it shows up. You make excuses for someone's shitty behaviours by explaining them. Saying thing like, you know what they are like and how to handle them!! Rather than seeing shit behaviour in it's glory. Rationalisation protects your ego, but it stops you from seeing what you actually need.

Reaction Formation

This is when you feel one thing, but you express the complete opposite.

How it shows up. You feel anger but act overly sweet.You dislike someone but become their biggest cheerleader.You want closeness but pretend you’re independent .It’s emotional camouflage. Your true feelings go into hiding, and a fake version steps forward.

Asceticism

This one doesn’t get talked about enough. It’s when people avoid pleasure or comfort because they don’t feel worthy or safe receiving it.

How it shows up. You sabotage joy. You refuse help. You make life harder than it needs to be. You’re uncomfortable with kindness.It’s emotional self-denial dressed up as discipline and being strong.

Identification

This is when you take on traits or behaviours from someone else because it feels safer.

How it shows up. You mimic the parent you feared.You become hyper-independent because that’s what you saw.You adopt someone’s beliefs or personality to keep the peace.It’s your psyche saying if I become like them, maybe they won’t hurt me.

that’s what you were conditioned to do.Introjection often sits at the root of low self worth.

Compensation

This is when you overachieve in one area to make up for something you believe you lack in another.

How it shows up You strive for perfection to hide insecurity.You become the funny one to avoid being vulnerable.You work ten times harder to feel good enough .Compensation makes you look strong from the outside but exhausted on the inside.

Without truth you cannot and will not ever change.

Loads of love

Chanel Duffy