Emotional starvation........

I grew up being applauded for having no needs. My mother trained me to silence my own voice, to swallow every messy feeling and to be the child who never rocked the boat. She then called it maturity and praised me for making her life easier. I wore the badge with honour. I was emotionally mature and independent. Well, that's what i believed anyway. I was emotionally shutdown and knew i couldn't rely on anyone if i couldn't depend on my mother.

But my maturity wasn’t something that developed healthily, it was survival. I became fiercely independent, not because I was brave, but because somewhere along the line I learnt that asking for help made me a burden. I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone because deep down I believed I wasn’t worth their time. My independence wasn’t a choice, it was what i had to do......

Children are wired from birth to reach for connection. It’s biology. We come into this world crying for our needs to be met, milk please mother dearest, comfort, and the warmth of a close touch. We don't politely request it, we fucking demand it. So at what point does a child stop demanding?

A child can’t say, Mother dearest, my nervous system is overwhelmed and I need co-regulation. They simply show you through tears, tantrums, clinginess, outbursts. And when those signals are met with annoyance or punishment, the child learns that their emotions are unwelcome.

Dr Bruce Perry, the renowned child psychiatrist and neuroscientist, explains that a child’s brain grows through relationships. Without emotional attunement, without someone slowing down to notice and name what’s happening, the stress response system learns to survive rather than regulate. The body adapts, but it’s not learning safety, it’s learning how to shut down or stay on high alert. God i wish i knew this sooner!!!!

Psychoanalysis has been naming this for decades. I'm currently learning about psychanalysis and dear god we should be taught this as parents. Donald Winnicott described how every child needs a good enough parent. Someone who won’t be perfect but who shows up emotionally enough that the child feels seen and real. Without that, a child develops what Winnicott called a false self. Mt god that was me my whole life. A mask that is worn that pleases and performs to earn love and avoid rejection. It looks like maturity from the outside, but inside there’s a quiet ache, a gnawing emptiness.

This is emotional starvation. A term i learnt in my 30's. Lets be clear here. I am not talking about intentional neglect. This is done through the best parents that simply don't understand they may be emotionally shutdown themselves and therefore unaware of the impact that has on their child. And it isn’t always intentional.

It’s often the children who never ask for help, who won’t allow themselves to be vulnerable, who learnt this adaptation. We praise them for being independent, for being the easy ones, when really they’ve learnt that needing someone is dangerous.

Growing up in that kind of emotional emptiness leaves a mark. You become fluent in other people’s needs and a stranger to your own. You wear independence like armour. You pride yourself on coping alone. I bloody loved my badge. I would wear it for everyone to see. LOOK HOW INDEPENDANT I AM!!!!!

Healing starts when you name it. It takes safe relationships. It takes self-compassion. And it takes the courage to be vulnerable after years of believing vulnerability would cost you love. If you're a parent like me and realise you parented in a way that may cause adaptations to be needed in your child, please don't go into blame and shame. This isn't helpful for anyone. Self awareness is the superpower that most people are too frightened to attain. But this must come with self compassion and not beat yourself up when you become honest with yourself.

Your needs were never the problem. The absence of someone who could meet them was. And the beautiful thing about healing is that it gives you the chance to finally feed the hunger that was never your fault.

Be lucky. Peace out!