Anger v's Rage...What's the difference?

We live in a society that welcomes smiles but anger isn't as welcomed. Somewhere along the way, anger got labelled as dangerous, threatening and even shameful. Especially when it comes from children. With the increase in mental health disorders and suicide on the alarming increase, it could be argued that we need to allow ourselves permission to express healthy anger. More importantly, we need to allow our children the grace of doing so!

Its safe to say Many of us were raised in homes where anger was either punished, ignored, or even used as a weapon. Anger for me meant violence, i grew up with a mother who couldn't contain her rage. Unable to self regulate, i was often as at the end of her temper. Anger for me meant danger.

when our children express anger, it can light up old wiring in our nervous system. It definitely did with me without a shadow of a doubt! We don’t just see their emotion, we feel it in our bodies. Our nervous systems can spiral and think.....F*ck this sh*t......... Our heart rate speeds up, our muscles tense, and our brains send out tiny alarm bells that whisper (or sometimes scream), “This isn’t safe.”

What if i said, anger itself isn’t dangerous. Our reaction to it is what makes it feel that way........

Anger is one of our primary emotional circuits, hardwired into the human brain from birth. Jaak Panksepp, a neuroscientist known for mapping our core emotional systems, found that anger (often referred to as the “RAGE circuit”) is as fundamental as joy or fear. It originates deep in the limbic system, particularly in the amygdala and hypothalamus, and prepares the body to defend boundaries. The ones enforced when you think.....you're taking the piss now love! (We've all been there)

Anger, at its core, is about self-protection“Something doesn’t feel right. A boundary’s been crossed.”

In the animal kingdom, anger is essential for survival. A mother bear doesn’t roar in rage for fun she does it to protect her cubs. Anger mobilises energy, focuses attention, and drives action. It’s what keeps animals, including us, safe. When children learn to connect with their anger in a healthy way, they’re learning to listen to their internal warning system. Suppress that, and you’re teaching them to ignore the very signal that keeps them safe.

When anger is felt and expressed in a safe environment, it moves through the body and eventually regulates itself. It’s like a wave that rises and falls. But when that anger isn’t understood or supported or worse, when it’s shamed or suppressed it can build up and morph into rage. I am guilty of shaming my children in the past. Anger to me was unacceptable. Therefore, they couldn't express themselves in a healthy way. This can lead to children essentially shutting down and only expressing with rage.

Rage isn’t just a bigger emotion; it’s a different nervous system state. Rage happens when the emotional brain takes over completely, overriding the prefrontal cortex (the part responsible for logic, reasoning and self-regulation). For a child, this means they’re not “misbehaving” they’re in full-blown survival mode.

When this happens repeatedly, their baseline stress response can become dysregulated. According to Bruce D. Perry, chronic activation of the stress response system can alter brain development, increasing cortisol levels and impacting everything from emotional regulation to immune function. In short, suppressed anger doesn’t just disappear. It reshapes the brain. Well, that answers a lot about my brain then, doesn't it!

Culturally, anger is often associated with danger or lack of control. We tend to equate anger with violence, particularly in Western societies that have long celebrated emotional restraint as a marker of being “civilised.” In schools we teach children what not to feel. But we can't simplify emotions like that. That's where the harm is created.

when we buy into the idea that anger is threatening, we unconsciously respond to it with either suppression or control, not connection. We shut it down, punish it, or bribe it away. This teaches children that anger isn’t safe to feel or express. Over time, that message doesn’t just shape behaviour; it shapes their internal world.

Our relationship with our own anger is the lens through which we view our children’s.

If anger wasn’t safe in our childhood homes, it’s likely we’ll flinch at it in theirs. If we grew up believing that anger equals danger, we’ll move to control it rather than guide it. But if we can reframe anger as a boundary-protecting, crucial emotion, we create space for our children to feel it, learn from it and regulate through it.

Co-regulation is a game changer here. When children are overwhelmed by anger, their nervous systems are flooded, and they can’t bring themselves back to calm on their own. That’s where the adult nervous system steps in. When we regulate ourselves first through calm tone, grounding body language and steady presence we offer their brains a stabilising anchor. One of the first things i had to learn while studying my root cause therapy was how to regulate myself. It is crucial i know how to ground myself as the last thing i want is a client sensing and mirroring my nervous system. Energy is contagious. From one nervous system to another. Blame the mirror neurons in your brain for that...

Over time, repeated experiences of co-regulation literally wire the child’s brain to self-regulate. Without that, their anger can either turn inward (suppression) or erupt outward (rage).

Suppressing healthy anger has consequences. When children learn to silence their anger to keep the peace, avoid rejection or please adults, they don’t stop feeling it they just turn it against themselves. This internalised anger often shows up later as anxiety, depression, chronic stress, autoimmune issues, people-pleasing patterns or explosive emotional outbursts.

As Gabor Maté has highlighted, emotions that aren’t expressed don’t disappear; they lodge themselves in the body, influencing both physical and mental health. A child who grows up believing anger is unsafe eventually grows into an adult who struggles to say no, to stand up for themselves, and to trust their own instincts.

Allowing your child to express anger isn’t about letting them run wild. It’s about helping them recognise what’s happening inside their body and guiding them towards safe expression. That might look like naming the feeling, helping them find words or safe movement, or co-regulating with you until the wave passes.

It’s also about doing your own inner work as a parent. When your child’s anger activates old wounds or fears in you, that’s not a sign you’re failing it’s a sign you’ve touched something that deserves your attention, too. Trust me.

When we stop seeing anger as a threat and start seeing it as information, everything changes. We teach our children that all emotions are valid, that boundaries matter, and that their feelings are not something to be feared. That’s how we raise emotionally intelligent, resilient humans.