Secure Mirror!!

If you want to see what you look like, look in a mirror. If you want to see who you are, look at your children! Your children are a true reflection of who you are, how you feel about yourself, your belief's and everything you have experienced.

In order to know who we are, it is not enough to just look at ourselves as the person we are today, we need to look at the context in which we developed, were formed and ultimately shaped for life. Ahhh our childhoods!!!!!!!

Nearly half of my clients that i work with will always reassure me they had great childhoods, and i don't doubt that for a minute. However, it's not Until i ask these golden questions (see below) do they realise that certain and crucial childhood needs were potentially not met. Unmet emotional needs Results in a trauma and stress response occurring in the body, shaping the developing brain while also creating belief's about ourselves and our self worth. Trauma isn't just created because of the things that happen to us, but also the things that DIDINT happen. eg, emotionally absent mother, immature parents, strict authoritarian parents, an indifferent parent who couldn't quite give you what you needed, the parent who let you believe achievement equated love. The busy working mum who couldn't quite connect with you and see you. etc ....Nearly all of these being unintentional.

Q1, Who did you go to when you were in trouble and need help, ultimately seeking safety?

Q2, Did you fear their response?

Q3 Did you feel seen? Did your parents know your emotional responses and needs?

Q4, Did you "just get on with it" while growing up?

Q5 did you grow up believing you had to please, meet expectations in order to be loved, Love was transactional, conditional and your value mattered by how good you were?

Well.........That means we are all fucked then............ Especially gowing up in the 80's.

Do We go on to screw up our children's lives because we have unmet needs created by our parents who we spent our whole life believing they raised a well rounded human being. Not necessarily! But sometimes yes! . Thank god we can change our attachment patterns eh!

Secure attachment .......The one we all aim to be, pretend to be, and even convince ourselves we are!!!!

REMEMBER, we parent through our attachment styles and go onto to create children with the same or god forbid, worse attachment style....To understand your children is to understand how your childhood created your attachment.

The secure parent.....

We felt connected, seen, and safe in our parents presence while feeling understood. We felt safe to go out and explore the world but with a want to return when afraid. Our parents where our comfort and also our cheerleaders. We were happy to see them.

They’ were consistent yet flexible, offering comfort when you cry and cheering wildly when you take bold steps into the world. You didn't need to be perfect (thank goodness!)—they just needed you to show up, “You matter, just as you are.” This amazing balance of warmth and boundaries helps children feel safe enough to explore life while knowing there's always a soft place to land.

Studies suggest that about 50-60% of adults have a secure attachment style. I AINT ONE OF THEM!!!! These UNIRCORNS tend to be comfortable with intimacy, manage conflict constructively, and form healthy, balanced relationships. When they become parents, their secure style shines through in their ability to validate their child's emotions, not see them as noise, or a nuisance to be fixed, stay calm under pressure (most of the time!), and encourage independence without pushing too hard. Secure parents raise secure kids—not by being flawless, but by being reliable, responsive, and full of love... and maybe by keeping a good stash of snacks on hand for those meltdowns!