Do we parent through childhood wounds?

Parenting Through Our Childhood Wounds: A Reflection on Spontaneous Play and Healing

Parenting is one of life’s most profound and challenging journeys. It forces us to confront not only the needs of our children but also the unhealed wounds we carry from our own upbringing. Dr. Gabor Maté, renowned for his work on trauma and childhood development, often speaks about how our experiences as children shape the way we parent. This is particularly evident when it comes to the essential need for spontaneous play.

The Importance of Spontaneous Play

According to Dr. Maté, spontaneous play is not just a luxury; it is a crucial part of a child’s healthy development. Play is how children process their emotions, explore their world, and develop resilience. It fosters creativity, emotional intelligence, and the ability to problem-solve. Most importantly, play allows children to feel safe enough to express themselves freely.

When children are deprived of the opportunity for spontaneous play, it can hinder their ability to develop into emotionally secure adults. Yet, many parents unintentionally inhibit this vital activity—often because of their own unresolved wounds and patterns.

How Our Wounds Affect Our Parenting

Parenting is deeply influenced by our past, whether we are aware of it or not. Our childhood experiences, particularly those marked by trauma or unmet emotional needs, can shape how we respond to our children. These wounds often surface in moments of stress, fear, or vulnerability. For example, if you grew up in an environment where emotional expression was discouraged or criticized, you might struggle to allow your child the freedom to express themselves fully—even through something as innocent as play.

This is where the painful question arises: Does our childhood become their childhood?

My Story: Hypervigilance and Play

I grew up with a mother who valued a pristine, orderly house above all else. She was strict, and her need for control created an environment where I learned that messiness—whether physical or emotional—was unacceptable. Over time, I became hypervigilant, always scanning for signs of chaos to avoid conflict. My nervous system became wired to anticipate and prevent disorder at all costs.

When I became a parent, I found it incredibly fucking difficult to let go of that hypervigilance. Spontaneous play—with all its messiness and unpredictability—felt like a threat to the tightly controlled world I had learned to navigate as a child. My son's natural need to explore and messy play clashed with my deep-seated need for order. I realized that my inability to embrace his play was not about them but about me—my unresolved fears and conditioning.

Recognizing and Healing the Cycle

Breaking the cycle of parenting through our wounds begins with awareness. Recognizing how our past shapes our present reactions is the first step in creating space for our children to experience a different reality. For me, this meant acknowledging that my hypervigilance was rooted in fear—fear of losing control, fear of judgment, and fear of not being good enough.

Dr. Maté emphasizes that healing these patterns requires self-compassion and a commitment to inner work. This might involve therapy, mindfulness practices, or simply creating moments to pause and reflect before reacting. As we heal, we can begin to offer our children the freedom we may not have had—freedom to play, to express, and to

be themselves.

Does Our Childhood Become Their Childhood?

While our childhood inevitably influences our parenting, it does not have to define it. By doing the work to heal our wounds, we can create a new legacy for our children. We can allow them the space to explore, to feel, and to play in ways that we may not have been able to. In doing so, we not only nurture their development but also begin to reparent ourselves, offering our inner child the care and understanding it always deserved.

Final Thoughts

Parenting through our wounds is not easy, but it is a powerful opportunity for growth—both for us and for our children. Spontaneous play, as Dr. Gabor Maté highlights, is just one example of where our needs and their needs intersect. By allowing our children the freedom to play, we challenge the limitations of our own upbringing and begin to heal the invisible threads that bind us to the past.

If you find yourself struggling to embrace your child’s spontaneity, remember: it’s not about perfection. It’s about showing up, being honest with yourself, and committing to a path of growth. In healing ourselves, we give our children the greatest fucking gift of all—the freedom to be fully and unapologetically themselves.