Avoidant attachment style...Catch me if you can!

Put your hand up if you've ever been told to calm down in a dismissive way, told you'll be ok without any help to become ok, or simply told, stop crying you are being silly, you'll be fine.....

Now put your hand up if you've ever said this to your children. Don't be shy now.......

. Both my hands are up, and not only that, but i'm doing a little tap dance while putting them up. Why? because i thought i was mother of the fucking year, i was teaching my children resilience....... You gotta laugh or you'll cry!!

Nobody teaches us child development so please don't be too hard on yourself if any of this resonates with you! That's why i'm doing this series of blogs....... To provide a little bit of info that nobody shares with us unless you study child psychology!!!!!!!!

The more information you armour yourself with, the more you will get to understand yourself better. Once you have done that, then you will better understand your child. You CANNOT, i repeat, you CANNOT get to understand your child'S behaviours without understanding yourself and in turn, your parenting.

Attachment styles shape the way we connect, love and receive love from others, from childhood into adulthood. One of the most misunderstood types is the avoidant attachment style. If you've ever met someone who seems emotionally unavailable, distant, unwilling to feel or express emotions, or fiercely independent to the point of isolation, chances are they developed this attachment style very early in life. I will have done so, to please a parent and receive love. That is how we are hardwired. Love is survival.

What Kind of Parenting Creates an Avoidant Attachment Style?

Avoidant attachment often stems from the unintentionally emotionally unavailable or dismissive parenting. This was me. While still thinking i was an amazing mother.......And i was. I was just very emotionally disconnected because i couldn't see my children's emotional needs. A subtle form of emotional unavailability or emotional starvation.

Here’s what typically creates an avoidant attachment style in children:

• Emotionally distant parents – If a child’s caregivers don’t respond to their emotional needs or dismiss their feelings, the child learns that expressing emotions is pointless. And being strong is what is desired or equates love. parents who have avoidant styles themselves can become irritated and overwhelmed very easily which can result in poor responses.

• Encouraging extreme independence – Some parents, often unknowingly, push their children to be self-reliant too early, discouraging them from seeking comfort or support. Almost seeing their children as little adults instead of developing children with developing brains

• Minimising emotions – Saying things like “You’re fine, stop crying” or “Toughen up” teaches children that vulnerability is a weakness. Or my favourite, the one i always did, which was made them look at all the good things they had or had to look forward to without first just validating them and allowing my children to just feel first.

• Inconsistent affection – When love and warmth are only given on the parent’s terms and withdrawn when the child expresses neediness, or expresses emotion, or outbursts, the child learns to suppress their emotions to maintain connection.

  Parents do just want to make it all better. Guilty as charged. But we CANNOT bypass feelings. It creates more harm than good.

Essentially, avoidantly attached kids learn this.............. To please my parent i must suppress my emotional needs. For some children feeling emotions is too scary, unsafe, and unfamiliar. A child is never born with the inability to feel or express themselves. They come out crying for gods sake!!! They have to feel in order to survive. It's how we are made.

How Avoidant Attachment Manifests in Children

Kids with an avoidant attachment style might not throw tantrums or act overly clingy—but that doesn’t mean they’re fine. Their coping mechanism is detachment.

• Preferring independence – They may resist seeking comfort from caregivers, even when hurt or scared. They will down[lay their emotions and pretend to themselves and others they are fine.

• Minimal emotional expression – They appear unfazed by separations or reunions with parents, but internally, they may be anxious.

• Playing alone a lot – They often retreat into solitary activities rather than engage in emotionally rich interactions that will involve expressing or feeling emotions.

• Pushing people away – If someone tries to get too close emotionally, they shut down or change the subject.

This can make them seem like "easy" kids to parent—because they don’t demand much emotionally—but in reality, they’ve just learned that seeking connection doesn’t lead to safety.

How Avoidant Attachment Manifests in Adults

• Keeping relationships surface-level – They might enjoy deep conversations about philosophy or science but shy away from discussing feelings.

• Struggling with vulnerability – Sharing emotions feels unsafe, so they bottle everything up.

• Preferring self-reliance – They pride themselves on “not needing anyone” and can struggle to ask for help.

• Feeling suffocated in relationships – They crave connection but fear dependency, so they may pull away when things get too emotionally intense.

• Avoiding conflict or difficult emotions – If shit gets too real, they check out—physically or emotionally.

Can You Change an Avoidant Attachment Style?

The good news? Avoidant attachment isn’t a life sentence. Awareness is the first step, and healing comes from safe, secure relationships where emotional expression is welcomed and validated. Therapy, self-reflection, and partners who are patient but firm in their emotional needs can all help.

If you recognise yourself in this, don’t panic. It’s not about blaming yourself or feeling doomed in relationships. It’s about recognising patterns and working towards change. Because deep down, we all want connection—we just need to believe it’s safe to have it.

So, if this hit home for you, maybe it's time to loosen the iron grip on independence just a bit. Being vulnerable isn’t weakness—it’s human. And no, you don’t have to do everything alone. Promise.